Four Loko (Brad goes Bro)

Random Reviews: Four Loko

You may be familiar with the name Four Loko. This is an 12% 23oz alcoholic drink that allegedly gives you the effect of drinking 4 beers or glasses of wine or even 4 1/2 shots of vodka, but has enough of an energy kick that’s equal to 3 cups of coffee. Naturally this mix of uppers and downers made the FDA pretty angry and as a result the drink has been banned in several states, with others not wanting to even bother selling it. So naturally, I’ve decided to make Four Loko part of our random reviews.

Just to make sure what I write would be readable, i kept notes on comments/thoughts as I drank last night.

Opening The Can/First Impressions

“This smells like Windex” was the first thing out of our mouths when opening the can. After smelling the Windex-esque scent of the drink I poured the first glass and the drink happened to also look like Windex as well. As for the taste i recorded in my notepad that it “Tastes like Windex & disappointment” .

Bottoms Up! (aka The Rest Of The Experience)

Rather than go into detail about what tastes I’ve experienced and what not, I decided I would just list all the comments that I’ve either made or thought of and felt the need to document it in my notepad or within a series of texts that i sent one of my friends. To preserve their authenticity, all grammatical errors will be left alone. Text messages will be in red. The NSFW/NSFP (not safe for parents) language of course will be edited. So here’s how the rest of the night went:

“Alert: Yes Drunk: Meh”

“Feel like vomiting if i drink this any faster”

“4 Loco isn’t makibg me f*cking crazy but im awake but buzzed…tastes like windex”

“I feel drunk”

(after being asked how many I’ve had)”Just 1 i watched 3 eps of Penn & Teller Bullsh*t, and don’t know what happened”

My eyes are open but the drunk is flowing”

“I’m talking drunkspeak but awake”

“Wow my friend is reading me about Chessman Park in Denver, this undertaker f*cking broke poor people’s bodies to fit in 1X3 foot coffins….funny b/c it’s the prettiest park in Denver.”

“Im not sure wtf Penn & Teller are talking about. I kinda want to go to Chessman park tonight it sounds duckinf bad ass there’s ghosts & sh*t”

“FYI Japan is f*cking weird & crazy”(At this point we began watching a Japanese prank show on youtube)

“F*ck porpoises”

“I’m sorry Porpoises are f*cking cute & I love them”

“Holy sh*t they have teeth!!!??”

(after my friend sent a text about how I need to drink Irish Car bombs like we did at my bachelor party) “Holy sh*t I drank some of that on st paddys and threw up all over the train platform”

(after being asked why this drink is becoming illegal in some states) “B/c the FDA don’t like that sh*t”

“It’s in camo b/c it’s ready 4 war!!!” ( I think I was referring to the can design)

The following exchange took place when my wife came home from work

(as soon as she comes in the door)

Me: “hey honey”

Wife: “Your eyes look drunk”

Friend: (sarcastically)”I tried to stop him but he’s out of control”

wife: “I can smell the alcohol off you from over here”

me: (unphased) “hey so we were thinking of either going to a christmas cookie decorating thing or a microbrewery”.

wife: (to friend) “he’s drunk do you really want to bring him??”

We did in fact go to a micro brewery afterwards and the effects of four loko began to wear off, but not before I became a bit of a chatterbox in the car on the way out. But it was nice to drink something that didn’t taste like Windex.

Final Thoughts

This most definitely will warrant a phone call from concerned family upon reading it despite my disclaimer on the facebook page linking this article, but that’s why i do Random Reviews. I see my Random Reviews section as a bit of a comedy blog reserved for reviewing gross, outrageous stuff. Four Loko just screamed to be reviewed, the forbidden drink had to be tested!!! I just had one and got pretty buzzed on it/drunk off it. That can either be a testament to the drink itself or to show how little i actually drink. I weigh a buck fifty so it usually doesn’t take much to get me….which works out b/c if I go out it won’t cost me much to feel good. And obviously my tolerance isn’t very high either, I do get a little of my Irish/German roots to do me a little favor here and there but it doesn’t take much usually. In other words…don’t worry!! I’m not doing this frequently.

As for Four Loko. For the 2.50 it costs, it definitely is a cheap and effective way to get pretty buzzed, however, you have to get past the windex taste & smell and it was a major chore to force all 23 ounces of it’s cleaning fluid taste down my throat. Lemon-lime flavoring will not make it not taste like window cleaner, i barely tasted “flavor” other than Windex. Needless to say, this was a fun experiment, but it’s not one that I will want to really repeat. It’s like eating something you’ve never tried before and finishing it despite not really liking it. It satisfied hunger, but not worthy of a repeat. This is how Four Loko was for me. I drank it knowing i’d probably feel drunk, I did, but there’s far better tasting things I can drink to get the same effect even if it will take me longer to get to that point. So I’m not really going to miss Four Loko, when they effectively outlaw it everywhere else.

Overall Score: C


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