A Look At How Jobs and Attitude Can Affect Your Survival Chances In A Zombie Movie
Zombie movies are a great October movie watching past-time. Nothing brings people together like the re-animated corpses of the recently deceased getting their heads shot off.
In the event, that it really ends up happening it’s important to know how to survive a zombie outbreak. I’ll leave the actual tactics and survival skills to The Zombie Handbook, but being a watcher of zombie flicks, I’ve learned that your choices in life based on career and attitude also plays a role in zombie survival. Here’s a list of people in zombie movies and the chances they have for Survival based on what they do for a job….or just how they act.
If You Work Or Stay In A Hospital
Chances of Survival: 5%
Dead Examples: You’ve seen zombie movies right??? I don’t think i need to explain this one.
If you work in a hospital, there’s a extremely strong chance you’ll probably get killed by zombies. Bitten people are brought to you, you can’t skip out because of the crisis being too much to handle as it is. Next thing you know you, your co-workers and all the patients are an all you can eat buffet for the zombies.
Notable Survivors: Rick Grimes (The Walking Dead), Jim (28 Days Later). Pretty much for some reason Zombies don’t seem to want to eat you if you’re in a hospital and lying in a coma while everything is going down. Guess they prefer the thrill of the hunt rather than convenience. There’s also Dr. Dakota Block in Planet Terror and Ana from Dawn of the Dead, but there’s a reason they survived at the end of this article.
Being an A**hole
Chances of Survival 0%
Dead Examples: Steve (Dawn of the Dead 2004) David (Shaun of the Dead),
I know this isn’t a job, but if you think about it, this is a real job. You’re constantly trying to piss people off, you can’t be nice because it’ll break character, and it’s a lot of hard work to be so into yourself. Unfortunately, zombies like the taste of a**hole characters because they never survive a zombie movie (they must have an exotic taste about them).
Notable Survivors: None, people love it when the a**hole gets eaten.
Chances of Survival: 35%
Dead Examples: The platoon in 28 Days later, the Army in “I am Legend”, Bruce Willis and his men in Planet Terror.
Realistically, this demographic will probably survive in real life a little easier than they would in a zombie movie, with having machine guns and tanks and whatnot, however, nothing says “you’re screwed!!” to the characters in a zombie movie like having the military go down. It just adds good drama. Usually they quarantine people and towns to keep the infected out but usually one gets in and overtakes everyone and chaos reigns.
Notable Survivors: The veterans in World War Z, who live and get to tell the tale. Also, there’s those guys at the end of Shaun of the Dead, who pretty much showed up and cleaned house at the end….better late than never.
The Person That Keeps A Zombie Around
Chances of Survival: 1%
Dead Examples: General West (28 Days Later), Seamus Muldoon (Survival of The Dead)
Every other zombie movie, there’s someone who keeps a zombie around. Usually it’s someone that they can’t bring themselves to shoot or they keep a zombie around for “research”. Each and every time, their “pet/family member/science project” breaks free and eats them….stupid. (Unless we’re talking about the movie Fido, in which it worked out pretty good)
Notable Survivors: Just the kid in the movie Fido counts on this one, his zombie managed to be a part of the family at the very end and everyone is happy. I know that at the end of Shaun of the Dead, that society goes on with zombies being put to practical use (like being the “cart crew” at grocery stores or being contestants on an MXC-esque show), but it’s a matter of time until they break free and eat everyone so they don’t count….sorry Shaun you should have killed Ed, now you’ll probably die during a PS2 game session in the shed.
Chances of Survival 45%
Dead Examples: Every Police Department in every zombie movie.
Despite the fact that cops make pretty awesome zombies, a good number of them survive. Good job cops! But for every Jill Valentine, there’s always 95% of the Raccoon City Police Department that turned zombie.
Notable Survivors: Rick Grimes (The Walking Dead), Jill Valentine (Resident Evil games), Kenneth (Dawn of The Dead 2004)
People That Know What The Hell is Going On.
Chances of Survival : 5%
Dead Examples: The guy Sayid from Lost played in Planet Terror.
Just like the Military in zombie movies, this is another group that probably isn’t given a realistic survival rate. In real life, these people will be locked alone in a safe just to be sure they survive, however in zombie movies killing them off first just makes good drama.
Notable Survivors: Robert Nelville (I am Legend), It’s not really a zombie movie persay, but the monsters are kind of like zombies, so it kind of counts.
Survival Rate: 25%
Dead Examples: Bobbie-Jo & Her Boyfriend (Evil Dead 2), The Truck Driver in Dawn of the Dead, everyone in Redneck Zombies
Being from the South, I have known and lived among the Rednecks, I know their behavior, their habits and I know they have at least no fewer than 5 guns per person. Naturally, these crusaders of the 2nd amendment should have a better chance than say the people that usually survive zombie movies that don’t know anything about guns. However, being that they make good comic relief in zombie movies when they get killed pretty much designates them as zombie bait.But when it comes to real life you better have a redneck pal just so you’re guaranteed a gun.
Notable Survivors: None worth mentioning.
Hot Girl/Slutty Girl Who Won’t Let A Zombie Apocalypse Stop You from Getting Naked
Chances of Survival: 0%
Dead Examples: That girl in Dawn of the Dead that can’t handle a chainsaw
The “Hot Girl/Slut Who Won’t Let A Zombie Appocalypse Stop You From Getting Naked” plays a key role in the zombie movie…they get naked. While the human race is getting eaten alive by zombies is a turn-off for most, the opportunity to bang one of the survivors (usually the a**hole) will not go unanswered. After they fill their purpose of giving the movie it’s T&A quota, they are promptly killed in the final 1/4 of the movie.
Notable Survivors: None, they just show the goods, then the zombies eat the goods.
Chances of Survival: 50%
Dead Examples: El Wray (Planet Terror) C.J. (Dawn of the Dead 2004)
These are the people you will root for in the movie. They are the ones that are driving up a body count that rivals the zombies. However, there’s a 50/50 chance that the Bad-ass will sacrifice themselves in an attempt to save everyone….that, or they kill enough zombies to get away.
Notable Survivors: Ash (Evil Dead), Kenneth (Dawn of The Dead 2004)
The Female Lead
Chances of Survival: 90%
Dead Examples: Barbara (Night of the Living Dead)
Women will inherit the earth after zombies eat all of us men. Unless it’s one of those “everyone dies” type endings, The Female Lead, usually has a good chance of getting out alive. Men….not so much. FML
Notable Survivors: I’m not even going to start…I”m depressed.