6 Examples Of How Scary Nature Can Get
It’s a jungle out there and it’s full of crazy-scary stuff. Family Guy put it best when they had a fun TV show within a TV show called “Damn Nature, You Scary”. Funny as it is, nature really is pretty scary. Here’s some examples of freaky animals/situations happening out there, and for those of you that want proof I’ve put my sources within links in this article. Yes, I said sources…I do my homework on these things rather than just spew out crazy claims (I’m trying to run a classy site here) Anyway here are a few examples of how scary nature can be:
Zombie Ants/Mind Controlling Fungus!!! – Plants have been known to do some strait up freaky shit; from being able to eat flies to having roots that look like people, but nothing is crazier than the fungus Ophiocordyceps camponoti-balzani which is just one of 4 types of fungi that has the ability to “mind control” ants. That’s right! I said “mind-control”. Basically, this fungus can infect an ant and take full control of the ant’s body and make it move to a desirable location for the fungus to grow and reproduce, there it kills the ant and grows up to be a nice strong fungus, where it can let it’s offspring do the same thing to other unfortunate ants. It’s even speculated that the fungi have it’s own preferred species of ant to do this to. There are so many really screwed up parasites out there (maybe a subject on a future article?), but this sounds like an awesome antagonist in a sci-fi book or movie. Either way, that’s pretty cold to the ants. Remember when mushrooms did nice things like make us big on Super Mario Brothers or tasted good on pizzas? This is just crazy, I hope these don’t adapt to work on humans.
The Female Anglerfish– Sometimes people regret having sex with someone, but nobody regrets sex more than the male anglerfish. The male anglerfish is born really small, weak and really, really hungry (which due to its size, probably has a problem finding food). However, the male anglerfish has a pretty damn good sense of smell and this gift allows it to find a female anglerfish’s via her pheromones. Once it goes in for a smooch (or a bite since it is hungry) it’s mouth basically releases an enzyme that more or less dissolves it’s mouth as well as part of the female anglerfish where it becomes fused to the body! Ooh but it gets better, now that it’s locked into a permanent kiss, the male then starts to over time dissolve more and more from its digestive organs to its eyes and brains and finally gets reduced only to his gonads, where it finally releases sperm (aka the grand finale to the worst-example-of-foreplay-ever).
The male anglerfish is now nothing more than a pair of gonads left hanging onto the female. To top it all off, the female can have several pairs of gonads to show not only she has more balls than the rest of the fish in the ocean…but also how slutty she is.
I feel sorry for the males. Not only are they all a bunch of weaklings (check out the size comparison for crying out loud), but they finally get laid and they dissolve into whomever they are doing it with!!!! Even worse, if they don’t find a female, they will die! So it’s either a very short life as a virgin or a very short life where you die while having sex. The males totally get screwed over.
The Immortal Jellyfish- Ah the Highlander of the Ocean….just minus the beheading your enemies to remain immortal part. The jellyfish Turritopsis nutricula is by all means biologically immortal. It can go from a mature jellyfish back to the polyp stage and repeat the life process over and over. Also it can repeat sexual maturity, enabling it to create colonies of more jellyfish. So if you ever got stung by a Jellyfish and still hold a grudge, just think there are these guys that can live potentially forever making more immortal jellyfish. Before we start worrying about an army of immortal jellyfish, it’s important to know that there’s not any record of this happening in the wild since they can still get eaten or die from diseases. Still though, that’s pretty crazy.
Gustave– Gustave is said to have murdered 300 people along the Nile River and is still believed to be on the loose. He’s even said to have taken a few bullets but still continues to kill. Did I mention that Gustave is a crocodile??!! Hailing from the African country of Burundi, Gustave is said to be around 60 years old and about 20 feet long making him one of the biggest crocodiles in the Nile….also Gustave is still apparently around and kicking too. Aside from the body count, what makes Gustave even scarier is that according to local people, he usually leaves his human victims uneaten, which means he just does it to kill (his most recent murder was in 2008)!!! This to me ranks him just above the Tsavo Lions (aka the inspiration for The Ghost and The Darkness) when it comes to crazy scary animal killing machines.
Candiru- Ok at this point I’m not getting into any type of water except for the water that comes from the shower!!! This fish is known to be “that one fish in the Amazon that can swim up into your penis while you pee”. Now there’s some skepticism over whether or not this is true, but holy shit that just sounds scary!!!! I too thought this was one of those urban legends until I decided to do this entry but it apparently happened for real in one case!!! I’ve been fortunate to not have kidney stones, but I feel for my bros who had to piss them out and the pain they’ve felt doing so. I cannot imagine having a fish swim up in there and have to be removed. Not only that, it freakin has spikes to help it maneuver around!!!!! Aside from the man-eating snakes and piranhas this is yet another reason I’ll never ever go to the Amazon. It’s because of this fish I really don’t feel comfortable in waist high water like at lakes or creeks.
Toilet Snakes– I know these are just regular snakes that went for a swim and this just happened to be where they ended up, not exactly their fault, but it’s because of these damn pictures that I can no longer take a crap without checking the toilet at least twice for them. I wish I was kidding but it’s one of those actual sad phobias I have and yet another reason that I fear snakes above everything else. Also if you Google “toilet snakes” there’s TONS of pictures on Google images, which basically goes to show it happens quite a bit…..it is also a good source of nightmare fuel too.
Well that in a nutshell is why I feel nice and comfortable in my urban setting away from all these crazy things and toilet snakes be damned, I won’t ever have to encounter any of these animals. Really, I kinda like how all I have to worry about here is Raccoons that can somehow climb 3 stories and chill on my balcony or encountering coyotes if I go biking at night….which I don’t. Now if you’ll excuse me, just writing this kinda freaked me out and I’m now going to sleep with the light on.