Christmas Gifts That Suck

Well Meaning Christmas Gifts

(That Suck)

Well it’s that time again true-believers. It’s that magical time of the year when the clock ticks closer to Christmas and the tree already has presents underneath….that is all but the presents you’ve bought. Naturally this means a cram-session at the stores to knock out everyone on your list. This is exactly how last-minute creativity or very very bad mistakes come into play. To avoid the latter from happening, we at PopCultureAsylum.com are doing our part and creating this list of well meaning presents that usually turn out to be a bad gift, so that you become a hero this Christmas morning. Please note that this is things that people may actually buy, so Skymall products did not make the cut since this will focus more on things found in department stores. I apologize in advance if any of these items were bought for me for Christmas (I promise I’ll show gratitude and pretend to like it).

Bootleg Copy Of The Star Wars Christmas Special

Who: Star Wars Fans

Why?: Being that this is something that is only available via bootleg copies, this just might be the perfect gift for the Star Wars fan who has everything.

Why It Sucks: For those of you not familiar with this gem, I advise you to challenge yourself and see how much of this you can get through before clicking the X. Arguably, Chewbacca is one of the top 5 coolest characters in Star Wars. Based on this fact, an idea (a very bad idea) came out to make a Christmas special focusing on Chewbacca trying to get to his family for “Life Day” (aka Christmas in a galaxy far, far away). The problem is instead of Chewbacca, we get quality time with his wife, son and down-syndrome looking father. Forgetting that unlike Han Solo, most of us do not understand Wookie, and as a result a majority of this special’s dialogue is limited to growls. Needless to say the Wookies are more boring than Star Wars politics and this special makes The Phantom Menace look like Citizen Kane. The only kudos this receives is that it’s Boba Fett’s 1st ever appearance (in a trippy cartoon!)

Get This Instead: The Making of The Emprire Strikes Back ($53.55), or if they don’t have one already get them a Force FX Lightsaber. ($99)

Snuggie

Who: Cold People

Why: It is a blanket that gives you arm holes!!!

Why It Sucks: Aside from looking pretty stupid, the Snuggie is basically a backwards robe mixed with the softness of a blanket.

Get Instead: A nice, warm, oversized, throw (if there’s no-one else…more covers for you!!)

Hot Chocolate Maker

Who: Chocoholics

Why: Hot chocolate tastes awesome and this device will make it for you!!

Why It Sucks: Have we really gotten to the point that microwaving water for 3 minutes and mixing a drink is too much work? L-A-Z-Y!!! And this is coming from a person who bought sweet tea for my Keurig. Not to mention it’s selling at $99.

Get Instead: Adult Chocolate Milk or if you don’t want to get into the hard stuff buy a single cup beverage maker like a Tassimo or Keurig, (they make coffee, hot tea, cider, cocoa, hot chocolate, sweet tea, ect.) and there’s barely anything to ever have to clean!

Christmas Themed Stuff

Who: Those on the list that you really ran out of ideas for.

Why: The Christmas-themed stuff (Clothes, novelty items) are plentiful, in stock, and an easy answer to finishing off your list.

Why It Sucks: You literally have hours until this gift becomes irrelevant for a year.

Get Instead: Non-Christmas themed items…or a giftcard! Anything is better than this. With that said, I’m not opposed to ornaments (That’s how traditions are born).

3D TV

It doesn’t do this

Who: Someone that you obviously don’t mind spending the big bucks on

Why: Because Avatar became such a big hit with it’s 3D special effects, nearly every big movie released since has been in 3D. Naturally this makes retailers think people want to bring the experience home.

Why It Sucks: I will eat my hat if 3D becomes the only option for buying a TV in a few years. I feel safe making this statement, because 3D TVs are nothing more than an over-priced flavor of the month. First of all, many of these TVs only come with 2 glasses!! If you want more glasses it’s a suggested retail value of $299 for 2 pairs of glasses!!! So movie nights have gotten a lot more expensive unless you enforce a B.Y.O.G. rule (Bring Your Own Glasses).Not to mention that most TV providers only have a handful at best when it comes to 3D channels. Waste of money!

What To Get Instead: An HD TV!!! Thankfully retailers believe that 3D is the way to go, causing them to drop the price on HD/LCD TVs!

Shake Weight

 

Who: Fitness Nuts

Why: It’s new & everywhere, plus the people on TV look really fit.

Why It Sucks: If you are a guy and get this gift, unfortunately when you work out, it just looks like you’re practicing for “jacking it” later.If you are a girl and work out with this, you may have 1 of 2 experiences. Either A. Guys will stop to watch you working out and making a memory for the spank bank later or B. You’ll look all too-experienced, almost like you do that paticular motion all too well.

What To Get Instead: A gym membership? Real Weights? Things that don’t make someone instantly think of masturbation or a handjob.

Well that is it for this installment, we’ll probably knock out another gift guide or something before Christmas, so stay tuned!

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