PopCultureAsylum’s Guide To Halloween Candy
If you visited the grocery store recently, you may have noticed that they are in full blown Halloween season right now. For those of you with houses and/or kids, you’ll undoubtfully be buying some Halloween candy very soon. However, If you’re like me and freed of the shackles of children and trick-or-treaters, this is a fun time of the year to treat your sweet tooth. This is something of a guide to the best Halloween candies and Halloween related snacks and the start to PopCultureAsylum’s weekly Countdown to Halloween! Enjoy:
Definitely Buy These:
Mellowcreme Pumpkins- These little pumpkins are great! My wife likes to be a wiseass and say they taste just like candy corn; I beg to differ. They’re most likely found in a candy corn “Harvest mix” but if you look hard enough you can find them in a bag by themselves.
Carmel Apple Pops- This is perhaps one of the best Lolipops out there. All the fun of a caramel apple without the healthy part! Blow pops aren’t bad either but I’m kinda over gum. Mostly because I still have fresh memories of the last time I chewed gum, which resulted in the gum pulling out a crown during a flight to DC…before we even started take off (didn’t want my ears to pop). I had to use gross Fixadent all weekend to keep the crown in! Maybe I got a crown in the first place from eating all this candy during my life..hmm. Anyway this is an awesome lollipop.
Pixie Sticks- Sure you can choke on them and they are the candy gateway to cocaine, but this isn’t bad. The worst part is when it cakes on the very end of the wrapper. I’m sure it’s just sugar and Koolaid mix, but it’s good.
“Fun Size” Candy Bars– I only mean the good ones: Snickers, Crunch Bars, Milky Way, York Patties, Kit Kats, Rolos ect. The best part of this is they usually come in bags together! Buyer beware: They sometimes sneak Mounds or Almond Joy into the variety packs. Nobody likes that candy! I mean coconut in chocolate bars…what kind of horseshit is that? Also on that note; why is Milky Way called Mars Bars in England…or better yet why do they have Rolo Biscuits and we don’t?
Don’t Buy These:
Those Cheap Peanut Butter Bites– Inevitably, maybe ¼ of your candy haul when you trick-or-treated consisted of these. Somehow, these are still out and since they are cheap and plentiful, people still buy them. But given a choice between these and chocolate…chocolate wins hands down!
Tootsie Roll “Fun Flavors”– Tootsie rolls are alright, but then they started making them in flavors like orange, lime, coconut, ect. Spoiler Alert: They don’t taste very good! They’re now in packs with Smarties. Smarties are OK but who craves them? Only time I consciously bought Smarties was at an Easter candy clearance and it was in a dinosaur head shaped plastic egg…thought it was a cool-dumb purchase so I bought it! But yeah, those Tootsie Roll fun flavors are the opposite of “fun”. Tootsie Rolls should just “be themselves”.
Candy Corn- This is a lot of the same story as the peanut butter bites. They’re cheap, unfortunately they’ve been a “traditional” candy and are still knocking about today. But who really craves them? With that said. There’s some caramel candy corn that’s actually a nice change up because it keeps the white and yellow and replaces the orange segment with a caramel segment.
Jolly Ranchers/ Mary Janes/Bit O Honey- Jolly Ranchers are good in their own right but if this is what you’re giving out, we’re talking like 2 per trick-or-treater, you’re a cheap ass. You get that when you visit someone that has candy at their desk for you to eat! C’mon it’s Halloween, shell the extra dollar for the fun size candy bars!
Bonus: What The Hell Happened To These??
Chupa Chups- These were everywhere when I was growing up, now I can’t find them except for online! They were ice cream flavored lollipops. Admittedly in later years, I noticed they tasted a bit powder-y, but still pretty good…also they had hollow sticks and there’s always that small bit that you have to challenge yourself to try to get to.
“Bloody” Eyeballs- These were spectacularly gross looking but from what I remember, they tasted pretty alright. But then again I was 7, these may have tasted horrible and I thought they were cool because they were gross fun….this was when Creepy Crawlers were all the rage. Did anyone reading this ever have that temptation to eat one? I mean they looked all gummylike, I know people that used it as bait for fishing.
Ecto Cooler- This is sadly no more, but those of us that lived back when it was on the shelves know this was the best drink ever! There’s some “repacks” that aren’t quite the same. But fear not! Some Ghostbuster fans made a recipe that supposedly tastes 100% accurate!!! I haven’t made it personally, but I plan to and I’ll let you all know how it turns out. Actually, I’m making that next week’s article!
Monster Cereals That Aren’t Count Chocula- Last year I saw Boo Berry and Frankenberry for the first time in YEARS! And then as quickly as they appeared…they were gone! As for the others like Fruit Brute or Yummy Mummy; those are probably gone forever save for the occasional Tarantino movie (The drug dealer Lance eats Fruit Brute in Pulp Fiction).
Alright that’s it for this week. Next Week I’ll try to replicate the aforementioned Ecto Cooler!