Memory Lane IV: The Quest For Nostalgia
In my goal to try to have more posts on this site, I decided the other night to compile another Memory Lane segment. They are easy to write, I can make some awesome and funny homages to my life as a product of the 90s and 80s, and this crap is awesome and fun to rant about even if nobody reads my site anymore! So as with all my entries in this series there’s a few rules (because I feel it enhances the articles)
1. I must be buzzed and I need to find things that were cool back in the day and just go on a crazy rant about them (mostly this is like a fun porch talk or bar talk being re-created). Don’t judge me; F. Scott Fitzgerald did this too and he made The Great Gatsby as a result….my “work” isn’t even required reading.
2. I can in no way or form add things to the list the following morning when I edit the articles. So for example, when I get some sleep and think “oh I should have added that that 90s rap group Tag Team’s song “whoop there it is” to the list”….I can’t do it as it is against the rules.
Anyway hoping this doesn’t grow stale anytime soon (mostly b/c it’s easy to write and probably the most popular series on this site) here’s my latest late night adventure down Memory Lane:
Bill Nye The Science Guy-Bill! Bill! Bill! BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!This show ruled on so many levels…much in the same manner that science did! It was goofy, but it was also very educational. He did a show for the more mature viewers called “The Eyes of Nye” after this show had it’s run, but sadly I never saw it other than a clip predicting the zodiac calendar changes nearly a decade before it became news . Nowadays, Bill Nye is busy popping up on cable news and fainting in public. Damn I miss this show! Fortunately, Youtube has a few episodes hidden away to remind me how much it ruled. Suck it Beakman’s World! Even with the taxi cab driver rat sidekick and teaching me that balancing forks on a toothpick trick, you’d still not be as awesome as Bill Nye!
Zelda- Mario is fun and all but Zelda was a quest! Orchiana of Time I sadly didn’t experience until months ago, but i hated kid Link, and even more so had it not been for the power of the internets, I would still be stuck in the Deku tree not knowing i had to light the sticks on fire to burn through cobwebs to get places. Links Awakening was awesome sauce as well, I loved throwing things in that game whether it be shrubbery or pottery, it was a blast.
Light up Shoes- Hell yes! There was so many good things going for these shoes: nobody can get the drop on you when playing hide & seek, you can aimlessly chase someone in the dark, and it sorta looked like alien eyes from the back sometimes and that was fun too.
The Land Before Time- Before Jurassic Park melted my face there was this story. I remember going to Glen Rose, Texas to look at dinosaur tracks and looking for “Littlefoot and Ducky tracks….I was pretty stupid back then (no where near the Amateur Paleontologist/Ninja/Super hero I am today) because I should have been looking for Brachiosaurus and Parasaurolophustracks instead! From a “learning dinosaur species’ name perspective” this show sucked as there are “Longnecks” (which took on a different meaning in my teen years), “Sharp Teeth” ( which kinda slumped thousands of respectable carnivores to one “species”) and then there were the “3 horns” and “earthshakes” which effectively dumbed down everything for kids. But none-the-less it’s an awesome movie for kids, and it’s a very important stepping stone to get them to love Jurassic Park if they are still too young to see dinosaurs eat people. Fair warning though, this sadly turned into a franchise that NEVER DIES!!! I think they are honestly on the 20th movie now! Shouldn’t the ice age have hit them by now?
Tomb Raider- Girls saw this as a game where a strong ass-kicking female lead stood front and center and guys bought the game because of a fabled nude code that someone’s friend’s friend discovered but conveniently nobody remembered how it went (note: there wasn’t ever one!). As expected, things got weird when video game magazines started making pinups of Laura Croft to over-sexualize her…she’s not a real person!! She’s more of a cartoon character than a real person! I have the same problem with Anime/manga/whatever the hell it’s called. I’ll just stick to real people….anyway it was a cool game because you got to shoot wolves, tigers, ravens, commit suicide by making a swan dive off high cliffs and the levels were scattered with death traps. However, the most unsettling thing in the game is when Laura Croft would go into a death spasm when she drowns!!
Elvira: Mistress of the Dark– Cleavage. That’s all I really remember from this…and a Coors Light standee, I think there was a movie, maybe a TV show or something but the cleavage erased my memories. She’s not even all that attractive in retrospect, but the cleavage made you forget this. Cleavage.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves– So what if they had an American play Robin Hood and he didn’t even pull off a British accent? This movie still had Severus Snape as the Sheriff of Nottingham, Morgan Freeman, a bad ass score and a disgusting witch going for it. This movie was completely bad ass and it all came to a head the moment he shot the fire-arrow.
Stuffed Crust Pizza– Yeah forget eating it normal, eating it crust first was the first time since pizza was ever invented, that the crust actually tasted good. Normally I’m anti-pizza bones, but this changed the game. Remember that they had Ivana and Donald Trump shill it? I worked at Pizza Hut once for 3 or so weeks just to get enough money to buy Metallica tickets and all it is, is that they put mozzarella sticks at the edge of the dough and fold it over….also they use a sweeter pizza sauce.
Cheap Handheld Games- These were cheap, but effective in the pre-PSP or Gameboy world. From playing Darkwing Duck to Double Dragon to Baseball ,these games were pretty awesome to get on Christmas or on a Birthday and the concept of taking the games EVERYWHERE (but school b/c they’d be taken up by the teacher, whom i suspected played the games when nobody was looking) was amazing!
The Dream Team- As if the Bulls wasn’t bad ass enough with MJ and Pippen and such, The 1992 Olympic team “The Dream Team” was something of a juggernaut of awesomeness. Even their “closest game” was a lead by 32 points. It was awesome to be alive in 1992 just to witness this unstoppable team take over the world!
American Gladiators– F**K YES!!! This show was sooo awesome! First off; the gladiators had names like Laser, Turbo, Malibu, Zap and Ice. Secondly; events like Joust, and the Eliminator was cool on their own, but making Arsenal (the one where they shot Nerf guns at a target while the gladiator would shoot tennis balls at them) 10 times cooler than it should be is an amazing feat. Lest we forget Powerball and that one where they were in giant hampster balls, those were cool in their own right…oh man I need to find this online ASAP!! One of my favorite episodes had the event Hang Tough (where the contenders would try to climb a few rings to a platform while avoiding the gladiator, who tried to pull them down), anyway, my brother Tony, my cousin Terry and my aunt Shirley had a BLAST making fun of one person that chickened out and swung loosely around on the same rings and since they were in a yellow jumpsuit we called them “the hanging banana.”, for some reason it was a lot funnier then, than it is now as i recollect it. This show was so amazing, the 2010 version: eh not so much (with the exception of Wolf).
McDonalds Toys- Not contempt with the cheap crappy happy Meal toys, McDonalds made these toys which let kids pretend they lived in a world of minimum wage pay and dead end jobs….or it served as an awesome training device for what they should expect once they are old enough to work!
Giant Jaw Breakers– My granny gave me one of these for my birthday with a Micheal Jordan return to the NBA card on the same birthday, so it was a fun birthday.This took me a week or longer to get it down to a normal size and I’d put it back in a wrapper until i wanted to eat more of it….. pretty sure it was unsanitary and gross. When googling an image I came across this awesome bit of information. Here’s the answer I found for what happens when you microwave one of these
“The interior reaches boiling temperature and if disturbed or bitten into, it can explode, showering you with melted sugar. Many children have been burned badly by trying this. My advice is don’t. Mythbusters did a show on this.”