Memory Lane: An Attempted Photo Essay (Ruined By My Commentary)

Memory Lane: An Attempted Photo Essay (Ruined By My Commentary)

Posted on March 18, 2011 by Brad

I originally wanted to just make this a cool photo essay but I just couldn’t shut the hell up about how much I love these things!!! Getting all nostalgic for this article opened up a floodgate of memories. However, I didn’t want this to go on forever so we’ll dub this part one of what will be a several part series here on PopCultureAsylum.com. I also wrote this on St. Paddy’s night , hence the randomness of it all (maybe I should write more stuff while buzzed, it should be a rule like “must have 3 drinks before writing” or something). Anyway lets look at some old cool stuff!!!

Damn right I’m starting out with POGS!!!! Remember how cool these were?? Remember how much it sucked playing against the bastard kid that bought a metal slammer that would upturn the entire stack?? These were cool until schools started banning them b/c they were considered “gambling”….pretty sure that had they let us  continue to play POGS the infamous “Fainting Game” would never have been invented.

Crocodile Dentist may look cute and stupid now being wiser and older and everything, but this game was extremely scary as a kid!!!! If you pull the wrong tooth you’d damn near lose a finger!!!! Worse than Jack-in-the-boxes when it comes to cheap scares. This thing would snap at you and roll towards you. I remember getting “bite creases” when I didn’t move my hand fast enough.

Speaking of games, remember Gooey Louie? This game was by far the dumbest thing ever…You pick “Louie’s” boogers until you pull the one that launches his brain out of his head!!! (maybe it was designed to make kids not pick their noses????) I still don’t understand what purpose this game was made for. It’s not like it trained you to be a detective like Guess Who or Clue, or taught you naval warfare like Battleship or how to become a biz tycoon like Monopoly.

I **Almost** went through my life never getting the chance to enjoy Lawn Darts because they were considered dangerous by the time I was born. However, when helping clean out a rent house of my aunt’s we found some darts (along with a very very old nudie book that we hid in our secret “hideout” at my Granny’s house, until things like rain and a guilty conscience led to it’s destruction) anyway, lawn darts was SOOOOOOO fun!!!! Why oh why did we get deprived of this joy because of a few dumb kids didn’t know how to run away when the darts of doom came bearing down at dangerous deadly speeds??? This was way cooler than the “throw a handful of rocks in the air and runaway before they fall on you” game. Each satisfying smack into the ground by the darts made me respect the dangers of it b/c I kept thinking of how that could have been my head.

F*** yeah!!!! Coolest game ever!!!!! These kids nowdays with their Call of Duty and whatnot never knew the agony of dying and having to begin the game from the very beginning!!!!Super Mario Brothers is and will always be one of the best games ever!

And this was the scariest game on Nintendo!!! Long before Resident Evil or Silent Hill made us jump and drop our controllers, Friday the 13th for Nintendo scared us shitless. After taking on weak hairy zombie things that die from like two stones, you’d every so often have to rescue kids from  that killing maniac Jason. The thing is that you go through a cabin finding Jason, and  it’ll happen so quickly and so loudly when you do find him that it scares you!!! Even if you play the “screw the children” strategy and ignore the “Jason alerts”, Jason still manages to find you!!! You can just hop/walk around and then comes LOUD MUSIC and Jason appears throwing knives/axes at you!!! You’d think hiding in the forest or caves would be safe, but noooooo those are inescapable hells to keep you for all gaming eternity. The lake isn’t safe either, he just swims by and hits you until you die. I never got remotely close to beating this game! I think you were supposed to light all the fireplaces in the cabins, but dammit if Jason wasn’t hiding undetected in the cabins too. No win scenario.

This guy came out and changed the face of water gun fights…those cheap plastic guns didn’t stand a chance to the power of the mighty Super Soaker 50!!!! It only got crazier from there when they made bigger tanks and everything. Remember the crazy stories about kids putting bleach in them??

Back in the day when my dad worked at a supermarket, this was the prize in a raffle i believe which we won. I remember they were going to do a Super Nintendo, but since the Virtual Boy just came out at the time they went with this instead….glad to see they picked a console that would undoubtedly stand the test of time (that is if it didn’t cause your eyeballs to bleed). Pretty sure this is still at my parent’s house waiting to give it’s next gamer a seizure.

Prostars- Anyone else remember this cartoon where Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Bo Jackson teamed up to save the world???Laugh now, but it was only the coolest idea for a superhero team in those days ever!!

OK never-mind this was a better idea! Captain Planet was AWESOME!!!! If they did more crap like this I’d care more about the environment, my carbon footprint and all that other hippie crap. Captain Planet may have had the worst superhero costume ever with his shoulder cut shirt and red underwear, but it didn’t matter b/c of the awesome factor of this show.  Plus it had a very diverse group of “Planeteers”. I know I’m not alone in asking all the guys  if they remember how the blonde Russian girl was hot by our 7 year old standards.  Speaking of Planteers, what good did “Heart” do??? Fire, Earth, Wind, and Water had bad ass powers, but “Heart” was pretty worthless. Poor Indian boy needed a power and he got the power of love” (without the cool Huey Lewis song).

Some kids were Batcave kids, but for me this was a 10 on the cool factor.  I love the Jurassic Park Compound. Sure, the damn net launcher didn’t last but a few weeks before breaking, and I could never keep the breakaway window on, and there was not enough fence to contain all the dinos, but this was AWESOME!!!

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Before dinosaurs, Ninja Turtles, or Nintendo ruled my life, Ghostbusters was the coolest thing ever for me. Proton Packs were awesome and made me feel pretty bad ass….not as bad ass as when I got a Karate Kid costume (which I need to scan a picture of it next time i visit my folks), but none the less with the proton pack came the feeling of badassery.

Playing with the plastic cowboys & Indians were cool, as were army men, of course when you meshed up Indians vs Cowboys & Army men or Indians and other army men vs Cowboys and even more army men got a bit crazy too. But nothing topped coolness when you added monsters to the mix. The innuendo sounding Monster In My Pocket added a little leverage into the pint sized conflicts for living room territory dominance. The monsters would become something of an arms race between the warring sides. When they get a hydra you damn well better hope you have a dragon to fight it.

Girls can keep their easy bake ovens, boys had a cooler concoction: Creepy Crawlers!!! There wasn’t much to do after making the various centipedes and tarantulas….maybe that’s why my friends  would end up using them as fishing lures.

This probably owned more childhoods than anything else on this list. Ninja Turtles ruled in every crucial part of childhood. The toys were the best toys around and I still find them incredibly awesome when I somehow come across a Michelangelo action figure. The Cartoon was just about the best thing on TV ever. The live action movie was one of my first loves on the big screen (even though one of my older cousins tried a “spoiler alert” and said that Shredder kills the turtles in it). Even the video game ruled (despite that wretched steam roller would take out 2 of the 4 turtles before even getting into the sewers). God I freakin loved Ninja Turtles!!

Well sadly I think that’s enough for now, I think I’ll post one of these every once in a while b/c just Googling all this gave me tons of material for the future and if I didn’t stop now I’d probably endlessly continue ranting about cool stuff from the last 20 years.

Did one of your precious childhood memories get left off? Comment below or visit our facebook page to let me know what’s missing.

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