What Does the Halloween Candy You Give Out Say About You?

 

In just a few short days the Trick-or-Treaters will be visiting you and if you don’t have the luxury of living in an controlled access apartment or forget to put up a sign or turn out the lights you might have to scrounge up some candy.  If this is something you care about here’s a very opinionated and non-scientific guide of what your choices in candy selection says about you:

M&M’s- You are a lover of the classics. I imagine you listening to the work of Mozart or reading Shakespeare to unwind with a  bottle of 18 year old scotch.

 


These old candies– These ALWAYS end up in a trick or treat bag. It’s the minimal effort candy that just won’t disappear into obscurity. Perfect choice if you just want the kids to just say “no thanks” and leave you alone….maybe that’s why they are still around.


Carmel Apple Suckers- You like to take risks. This is probably God-tier suckers but that’s if you don’t lose a tooth in the process. Risk vs reward.

 

 


Tootsie Pop- These were exciting when you tried to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center or when you believed the Indian shooting the star meant free suckers. But it’s an allegory for disappointment as the prize in the middle is the same rubber chocolate in the Tootsie Roll.


Kit Kat- Aside from their clever chocolate saving scheme this choice means you want to give more bang for their candy bar or encourage sharing. That’s nice of you!


Almond Joy- Gotta love that feeling of choking on shredded coconut when trying to get that great single almond and chocolate combo. This is great if you’re a sadist.  Mounds is just straight up evil.

 

 


Carmel Candy Apple Twizzlers- These are like a dollar a pack so if you buy this you’re the rich house but this is the most exciting Twizzlers has been since Pull-n-Peel. Is it powerful enough to get Twizzlers out of marshmallow spider-making Hell? We’ll see..


Peeps Ghosts- Oh my, you poor ignorant fool…. These are just the gross chicks that are out during Easter. Every time someone buys these we stray further from God’s shining light.


Reese’s – It doesn’t matter if it’s pieces, pumpkins or plain cups. As long as it’s not the white chocolate you know your shit. Good job!

 

 

 


Swedish Fish- You want to be exotic but aren’t the best at making choices. Can’t blame you these are exciting at first but become dull after the 3rd fish. You can do better.


Snickers Bars- You know quality when you see it. In the words of the knight in Indiana Jones “You chose wisely”.

 

 


Rasinets- The old knight would say “You chose….poorly”

 

 


Rolos- If you give these out your heart is as gold as the wrapper they normally come in.

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