4 Characters/Scenes That I Hope Aren’t In “The Avengers”

4 Characters/Scenes That I Hope Aren’t In “The Avengers”

Posted on April 6, 2012 by Brad

We’re just a month away from the release of The Avengers, (aka the biggest gathering of superheroes in one movie), so there is an understandable amount of hype leading up to next month’s release.

As fans count down the days to see Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Agent Coulson , and Nick Fury assemble, I decided to comb through a few Avengers stories to prep myself for it. Although “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” have a rich and wonderful history, there’s a few bits of it that may not be suitable for such a large blockbuster. So far, everything looks good, but a movie like this will likely spawn a few sequels, so here’s some of the scenes and/or characters I hope we don’t see in future installments (Geek/Movie Cred Note: I know some of these if not all will show up…..ever, this is purely for comedy)

1.) Avengers Assemble!!!! (“Wait, What’s Spider-man, Wolverine and Everyone Else Doing Here?”)

You can’t have a superhero team around that has the nickname “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” and not expect other really well known, seem to do fine on their own superheroes like Wolverine or Spider-man to pop up! With a series going back to the 60s, it’s no surprise that the roster had included pretty much all of Marvel’s heavy hitters at one time or another. In fact, today’s Avengers roster is pretty big! Here’s a cover to this year’s big comic event “Avengers vs X-men”

It sorta looks more like “Marvel Universe vs X-men” really. As cool as it sounds and as smart as it is to keep evil in check by having everyone on one mega-team; on film that would be a HUGE mess!!!

Take Wolverine for example; he’s un-doubtfully the most popular character of the X-men films and despite crappy writing and butchering the awesome character of Deadpool, he had enough of a draw to make his own spin-off movie and it’s sequel. Same could be said for Spider-man, but with the success of Iron Man and Thor, it’s already probably a bit of a tedious task giving the most popular heroes ample amounts of screen time. If they were to stick to the current team; we’re looking at Spidey, Wolverine, The Thing, Daredevil and others that aren’t that cool to begin with (*cough* Ironfist *cough*) being mixed in with Iron Man, Thor and Cap. Things can get a bit crowded, so I’m fine with keeping it short and “Classic Avengers”.

2.) Hulk’s Lame “Joe Fix-it” Incarnation

Despite how the Hulk movies fared and the fact we’re on our 3rd Hulk with the Avengers release, Hulk’s an alright character….really, he is! Those that may have read a few comics also probably know that there’s multiple incarnations of the Hulk. Some of these are cool like the World War Hulk that’s cunning, yet vicious and then there’s …..”Joe Fix-It”…. I do like how Hulk looks grey, but Hulk in a gangster suit???

There’s action figures of this Hulk with a machine gun to complete the look! Why the hell does he have a gun when he can rampage through a city? Mobster Hulk is lame…sorry Hulk fans. Yeah, let’s keep this Hulk out of the movies and stick to the green brute that smashes things!

3.) Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch

I have nothing against either of these characters, they have some good storylines and whatnot, but there’s a few things that may not translate on film too well.

First of all, they are the children of supervillian Magneto….you know, he’s the mutant bad guy that wants to kill the humans so mutants can rule the earth! However, rather than be human-hating bad guys, his children become members of The Avengers and take part in some great storylines including Avengers Disassembled and House of M. So that sorta cancels out the “your dad is an evil dick” criticism. Unfortunately, it turns out that Mags was a little too preoccupied fighting the X-men, wanting to kill humans and so on and didn’t really raise them, nor teach them that love between siblings should be platonic and not romantic…oops

Yeah….we feel the same way Cap!

4.) Ant-Man and Wasp: A Story of  Super-powered Foreplay, Domestic Abuse and Creating The Evil Killer Robot Ultron

Ant-Man and Wasp didn’t quite make the roster this time around for The Avengers, but with them being founding members of the team and a long rumored Edward Wright helmed Ant-Man movie, it wouldn’t be too much of a long-shot to bet that we’ll see them in the future.

They aren’t bad additions, Hank Pym (aka Ant-man) is a brilliant scientist and has a variety of superpowers at any given time between being Ant-man (can shrink and his special helmet allows him to talk to ants and make them do his bidding) and he’s also performed a few runs as Giant-man (he turns into…..a giant). His wife Janet (aka Wasp) can shrink as well, but has the ability to shoot “stinger blasts”…hence the name “Wasp”…..and she has demonstrated a few unconventional methods of fighting:

Their powers may not be as fun as a “Hulk Smash” but from time to time, shrinking and maybe enlisting some insects to do your bidding may help the Avengers vanquish evil on occassion, but in their personal life the husband/wife team found a way to use their superpowers in the bedroom. I think this panel speaks for itself:

Yeah…. that’s probably the grossest comic book panel in history! So many questions come to mind from this panel, I mean did he just…..??? Nevermind!!! I don’t want to picture it!! Keep in mind that this is something that kids also read! Gross!!

Another characteristic about the duo is that when they aren’t fighting bad guys or using super-powers for their “sexy-time”, they occasionally dabble in domestic abuse:

Fun stuff huh? By the way, that last panel is from “The Ultimates”  and only moments before Wasp shrinks and gets sprayed by bug spray…oh and brutally attacked by ants that her husband sent on her!!! Yay comics!!! It’s OK though, Captain America beats him up for it!

Another fun aspect of Hank Pym, is that he created a robot named Ultron that becomes a pretty big bad guy for the Avengers and also apparently kills most of them in the kiddie movie Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow….so um thanks???

“Thanks for making a robot that wants to kill us all Hank!”

At least the other non-Hank Pym Ant-men use their powers in a questionable, yet less harmful than creating a robotic killer manner….

With that all that said, I’m ready to sit and patiently wait to hear that famous cry “Avengers Assemble!!!!”  See you in the theaters!

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