Memory Lane 3: He-Man Strikes Back
Sooo I decided to rant tonight, and what a better way than to make a third installment of Memory Lane? If this is your first trip down PopCultureAsylum.com‘s Memory Lane series, here’s the “rules” of making these entries. I must be buzzed and I need to find things that were cool back in the day and just go on a crazy rant about them (mostly this is like a fun porch talk or bar talk being re-created). I can in no way or form add things to the list the following morning when I edit the articles. So for example, when I get some sleep and think “oh I should have added that Danish pop group Aqua that sang “Barbie Girl” to the list”….I can’t do it as it is against the rules. Anyway hoping this doesn’t grow stale anytime soon (mostly b/c it’s easy to write and probably the most popular series on this site) here’s the latest walk down Memory Lane:
C.O.W. -BOYS OF MOO-MESA- Looking back this show is really damn weird with the anamorphic cows riding horses and such…the joys of mutation caused by a meteor. For some reason the girl anamorphic cows were weirder than the boy cows to me. (Anamorphic is a cool word by the way.) Anyway, I remember the 3 main C.O.W.Boys The big brute/Mongo from Blazing Saddles-esque blue bull The Dakota Dude was the muscle who didn’t say much but did all the heavy lifting and punching, the Cow-arado Kid was the hyper silly member (get it Cowarado instead of Colorado heh heh) and of course the hero of the series, Moo Marshal Montana, who strives to make the west a safer place to graze. I remember that they fought buzzards and some masked bull guy and their guns shot stars for some reason….it was kinda like the Good, the Bad & the Ugly for kids, just without Tuco….or Clint Eastwood….and a bunch of cows riding horses instead. Eh at least the theme song was kinda rootin tootin cool
He-Man: You’re effing right I’m going to remember to put He-man into this thing!! 2 columns in and I single-handedly forgot to add the best action figure/cartoon in existence into this thing!! Not today friends! He-man was SO bad-ass. I don’t know where to start really. He-man owned the 80s, sure Transformers was really cool, but for some reason Starscream only did so much (my favorite transformer in those days….bumble-who???) Anyone remember the original movie where they made Orco a weird goblin instead of a floating guy with an “O” sweater? Much like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it’s hard to say if the toys or the cartoons were cooler. I just remembered that the kid that owned Castle Grayskull would earn SOOOO much cool points. Plus, you gotta respect He-man not giving a shit about wearing pink & white with FABULOUS hair…he was ripped and would kill you if you gave him crap, nobody would bully that guy around. Also Battle-cat was freakin awesome!
Tale-Spin- Something of a sequel of sorts for The Jungle Book, with a dash of Casablanca?? This show was so much cooler than The Jungle Book. I know my parents grew up on Jungle Book and it’s a “timeless classic” but in Jungle Book there weren’t air-pirate dingos led by Don Karnage, and Baloo didn’t fly a plane. I feel sorry for poor wise-old Bagheera because he got kinda screwed out of the deal and didn’t show up ever in the show. For some reason i thought Wild Cat was really awesome and had him on one of my birthday cakes. Kit Cloudkicker was cool at first because he surfed the damn clouds….but he was kinda bratty and I felt it awkward he didn’t wear pants.
The Oregon Trail- You guys can keep your World of Warcraft, but no game will match the awesomeness of The Oregon Trail. You’d start out picking your career (I always choose a banker b/c that would give me more money to buy guns with). Along the way, friends of yours that you’d add to the game will die of dysentery or you’d lose all your #&(*-ing possessions when you decide to float across the river only to have everything topple over, drowning your oxen, party and losing most of your food!! It was freaking nerve-wrecking! Aside from dysentery and dying in rivers, hands-down the best part of the game was hunting. Nature stood no chance as you would mercilessly slaughter all the indigenous species in the region, then only bringing back 2% of the meat. I think I made it to Oregon only once, most of the time I’d die along the way and leave a tombstone with a funny phrase coined by 3rd grade Brad or a revelation of a secret crush. I still love this damn game
Old School WWF- Long before Stone Cold Steve Austin or the Rock, there was a time when we thought wrestling was real and it didn’t quite go into TV-14 land either. Who could forget the time when Macho Man Randy Savage would face off against Hulk Hogan for Elizabeth? Or when the best tag-team ever The Rockers broke up when Shawn Michaels kicked Marty Janetty out of a barbershop window? Hell, I still remember the “bird dance” that Koko B Ware would always do. Today, I still have fond memories of thinking Jake The Snake “Killed” The Ultimate Warrior. Nowadays I realize I was a complete idiot to believe this b/c it’s 100% on the stupid/cheesy scale but I was in my single digit aged years, i thought crap like this was real:
This is how I learned to “never trust a snake”…..or anyone named Jake either for that matter (sorry Jakes of the world)
G.I. Joe- Girls had Barbies, we had G.I. Joes. From being hosted by Sgt. Slaughter, to the P.S.A.s which would become stupidly funny years later …G.I. Joe was awesome. While the real military was kinda boring with matching uniforms and such, G.I. Joes were a really awesome diverse group of Ninjas, Indians, Australians, Cowboys, Bikers, and military grunts all teaming up to take on the Cobra Commander who was just as menacing with his cloth hood costume as he was with his mirror mask. The beauty of it all? Not one single Village People joke would come up!
Trolls- For some reason these got insanely popular. I used to think it’s funny b/c they’d actually made the trolls have butts… I’m meaning real exposed, bare naked butts. also they’d get shoved onto pencil tops….up the butts hahah
Mortal Kombat- I remember first seeing this game at a friend’s birthday party at a fancy hotel. It was a very awesome weekend with discovering CDs for the first time (“wait, you don’t have to fast forward to the good songs?” “I can just push this button to number 4 and listen to “The Sign” on this Ace of Base CD??). Anyways, I remember coming across this game in the game room in the lobby. First and foremost, the sole thing most people would notice is the sheer amount of blood. It wasn’t until later that I realized there were fatalities and that kicked the game into overdrive on the awesome scale. Soon I was buying a copy of Tips & Tricks so I’d have a list of how to perform each fatality or how to fight Reptile on the bottom of the pit. The sequels (save for MK3) were really awesome and one constant for me is that my fighter of choice would always be Johnny Cage (the John Claude Van Dam rip-off character)…to this date I would remember down, down, forward,forward upper punch would make you rip your opponent into two pieces.
Contra- This had to be the game that REQUIRED you to cheat to win. The most famous cheat code ever in existence (up,up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start) would give you 40 lives….And you’d need them too b/c one shot kills you!! yeah pretty impossible otherwise. Aside from the cheat code and jumping across exploding bridges, I’d say the coolest part of the game had to be the spread gun.
Singled Out- This show was pretty stupid but it made everyone aware of how hot Jenny McCarthy used to be. Yay MTV! This was back in the days when they still played videos and Beavis & Butthead and nobody cared about those morons from Jersey Shore. I think there’s a show on Telemundo that’s pretty much a Spanish version of this show.
Where’s Waldo?- These books were probably one of the best things ever. From the funny illustrations to actually finding waldo to the really crappy NES game and Saturday morning cartoon, this was a right of passage as a kid. Remember the annoying land of Waldos? Holy Hell was that impossible!
Mario Brothers Super Show/Captain Nintendo- I loved the hell out of these shows!! Back then there was no Playstation, Sega, or X-box, there was only Nintendo and we could care less if they milked it for everything they could by creating Nintendo cartoons….that just made Saturday mornings cooler. From Captain Lou Albino as live-action Mario to Captain Nintendo teaming up with Simon Belmont, Game Boy, and Kid Icarus, I drank that mass-marketed Koolaid.
Baywatch- This is the show that made girls go from Yucky to Ohhh Mamma. Tight swimsuits and slow-motion running is literally the only thing I can remember from this show…I only can probably name 3 character names on the show and I only remember the episode of some girl showering and while the horny onlookers were distracted her partner would steal all the wallets left behind…everything else I can remember was boobs….and calling the show “Babewatch” haha oh people are soo witty.
Eek The Cat/Bobby’s World- Yay Fox Kids shows! Eek the Cat was actually pretty funny as was Bobby’s world. Eek the Cat would feature a good-natured cat who’s good intentions would backfire, his fat-cat girlfriend Anabelle, and the shark-dog Sharky. Worth mentioning is also the terrible Thunder lizards! Freakin dinosaurs can’t go wrong there…I think they even had them fly space ships! Bobby’s World on the other hand, was kinda cool too. The family had the lazy writer’s name of Generic and honestly I only remember mullet/Perm-haired Howie Mandel talking to the animated characters in the beginning and Uncle Ted always greeting Bobby as “Hey Bob-o!”…and giving noogies.
That’s all for now I need sleep, but this was a fun & unorganized stroll down Memory Lane.
Did a precious childhood memory get left out? Let me know in the comments below or post something on the Official Facebook Page!